8.

Dear Beatrice,

I’ve been thinking about you for a long time now, but these last few years I’ve thought about you more often. I really hope my indifference to you and your child didn’t cause you too much heartache. And if it did I hope you were quick to find forgiveness. I know what it’s like to carry pain around and I’ve only recently truly understood the importance of forgiveness.

Sometimes when I need to talk to someone about what I’m going through I talk to you in my head. My family that I live with doesn’t need to hear it. They know all about it because they are living it, too. Others who may can’t really understand because they aren’t living it and I really don’t want to talk about it all the time, but I do need to let it out. I imagine that you felt the same way. I wonder if you still do? I wonder how you and X are doing now? It’s painful and it’s isolating when you have to fight with the school system. My circle has become very small. As is the case with any crisis, I am learning painful lessons about who my friends really are. It’s times like these when you learn who you can count on. And it is hard to stand up by yourself, but that’s part of the job so I do it.

I’m sorry I didn’t realize how hard it was when I knew you, but I just didn’t understand. I wasn’t a mother yet and I’ve come to realize that people without kids like ours have no way of truly understanding. Sometimes they even blame us. I don’t understand why life is that way, but it just is. It’s always up to us to stand up for ourselves. Our kids deserve respect and so do we.

Twenty years ago I became a lawyer because I was called to do civil rights work. I thought that being a lawyer was the only way to do this work. I was mistaken, but I didn’t have any experience standing up for myself because I was born into a life of privilege and my mom always advocated for what I needed. Much of my time now has been spent practicing in the area of special education or navigating that system myself. Your case for X was my very first. Regrettably, I don’t actually recall much about your case or X. I mostly remember you. That’s because my focus was off. I was focused on doing what I thought was my job rather than focusing your child. That was my mistake. What I remember about you was that you were a force and I also thought that you were crazy. I’m sorry for that. After I had my own kids I realized that you were just crazy about your kid. Just like me. I’ve carried that with me every day and I want you to know that I bring it up every time I teach others about special education.

I know now firsthand what the public school system can do to mothers like us. I have been told that I am too emotional. That’s just another word for crazy and it is offensive. I have three children who are all incredible human beings. They were all on track educationally until all of a sudden they weren’t. My children have all been harmed by the inequity and the dysfunction of our public school system. I’ve concluded that the system is simply not focused on children at all. Fighting for their right to be educated in our public school system has taken over my motherhood. I am a frequent flyer now. That’s what we lawyers in the school system call parents like us who continue to fight for our kids.

What I want you to know is that I am grateful for you. We parents all stand on the shoulders of giants and you had giant shoulders. You are a leader in every sense of the word. Thank you for leading the way with your determination and your passion. I am sure you never gave up on your child. It made me a better lawyer, a better advocate, and most importantly a better mother. I am proud of myself in all of those aspects of my life.

Peace to you always✌🏼

Lisa