Max’s poem “Goodbye”

My Poem~ “Goodbye”
by Max Tucker
Spoken aloud as public testimony at the Colorado Behavioral Health Task Force and Colorado Commission for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing and Deaf Blind Town Hall Meeting on December 5, 2019

Do you not understand?

Or do you not care in order to understand?

Or do you not know how to practice empathy 

and compassion in order to understand?

What part do you not understand? 

Is it everything?

Or do you not know?

Let me tell you something about myself. 

I don’t trust a lot of people

Yet not knowing them well enough

I don’t trust their words and behavior 

I can have a hard time trusting their intentions too

I have been excluded

I have been prejudiced 

I have been overlooked

I have my heart played with

I have been othered 

I have been lonely. 

I have been frustrated. 

I have been furious. 

I have always relied on myself

I have always had this complex smile on my face, 

although people don’t understand that it’s not a 

possibility that I’m going to always be happy. 

I know myself a lot better than anyone else does

And all I hear is despicable lies going through my

implanted ears and that triggers my brain. 

If people don’t understand, 

then the last thing that I wouldn’t

allow myself to see is people leading me on. 

What am I, some kind of doll?

What am I, a back up?

What am I, a naive person?

What am I, a pushover? 

What am I, a child? 

Well, I am done with everything.

I am not angry 

I am not sad

I am just  tired 

Just plain tired 

I am tired to listening

to other people’s perspectives

Or excuses

I am tired of people “correcting me”

I am tired of reading some people’s 

solid expressions on their faces 

I am tired of the stupid stereotypes

I am tired of people defining me 

I am tired of people acting like they’re

always righteous and superior
I am tired of myself feeling negative

I am tired of being promised 

I am tired of disappointing myself 

And being utterly disappointed in this world

I am tired of drama, exclusion or anything else.

I am not clueless

Just because I’m deaf doesn’t mean I don’t know how to read, damn it. 

I am not just reading people’s lips. 

I can read their body language, expressions and my surroundings. 

And I can read myself.

So I’m a lot smarter than some people thought. 

And I don’t need proof 

So I don’t care 

It’s not like I’m in a court case anyway

So better keep that in mind. 

I don’t care about anything anymore

I am only looking out for myself from now on.

And I will always do that. 

I don’t care about anyone’s reactions or words anymore. 

At least I’m trying not to

So be careful

Because that’s the conclusion and that’s final

I win in my life
And now that things are looking up,

I hope to keep that attitude forever.

Because if I’m not happy, then I will change things or cut ties off

with toxic people if that’s the reason. 

I will always look out for myself 

Even if the truth hurts

So the last thing to end this that I would say is that I don’t care about anything anymore 

I am putting myself first

Goodbye.

Published by stuckinmybra

First and foremost, I am a mother, but I am also an education lawyer and policy specialist, an advocate, and an activist. I've been told by my closest friends that I am a fighter. My practice area is disabilities and education, which is where I have been practicing since 1999, before I had my own kids who are now teenagers and are all educationally identified as twice exceptional. I write about what is on my mind, which feels like a messy file system of old and constantly new information. I think about my kids and the people they are and how to help them become who they want to be in this world. I write about issues that affect deaf people because one of my kids is deaf. I write about giftedness, autism, trauma, inclusion, mental health and chronic illness because those are all things that affect my family. I write about my own life and the people in it. I hope what I write touches peoples hearts and opens people’s minds because I think people in our world need to have more understanding and compassion. I'm here to tell the straight up truth.

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