I Hate

Dear Reader,

Please try to remember that what you’re reading is about me, not you (unless you see your name here). I’m filled with rage and I really have got to find a different container for it because my body can’t handle it any longer. Don’t read it if you don’t want to know what’s eating me up from the inside. Thank you, kindly.✌🏼

I woke up in the middle of the night with an alarming question ringing in my head. It felt to me exactly like a fire alarm going off and I needed to grab my stuff and run out of the house. It kept me awake almost all night so I’m really operating on only a few hours sleep, but I feel okay so far. Just edgy. I put on some Jack Johnson looking for Good People ASAP, which always helps, but I’m sure I’ll crash at some point. I’ll have to remember to count my spoons (https://health.clevelandclinic.org/spoon-theory-chronic-illness/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CThe%20spoon%20theory%20is%20a,spoons%20in%20their%20daily%20activity.%E2%80%9D) right after I write this and eat my challah french toast with bonne maman raspberry preserves that I just made myself for breakfast.

This morning I’ve decided that it is truly in my own best interest to exorcise this demon that woke me up and then got stuck in my heart and is now stuck in my bra. As you can see by the screen shot of my text communication with my husband this morning that I included above, I am up and dressed. That’s a fresh selfie I took to prove to myself that I can pull myself together even though from approximately 2 a.m. until I got myself out of bed at 6:30 a.m. there were times when my heart was pounding so hard you would think that someone was standing at the foot of my bed with a hammer ready to slaughter me. Horror story style. Waking up like that is hard to handle.

The thoughts that woke me up made me furious and the truth is it’s probably in no one’s best interest that I direct my anger at the people who I was thinking about. To be honest expressing hate is fairly unusual for me. In fact, I avoid it. Over the last few years I do that by intentionally correcting myself when I use the word hate and then turn it into an opposite love statement to balance that shit out. I intentionally developed this habit so suffice it to say I have a strong tendency to stuff negative thoughts inside and then stew in it like the good American girl I was raised to be. Non confrontational. Conflict avoidant. Try not to make a scene. Keep your mouth shut. Grin and bear it no matter how bad it really is. What a load of crap. Hate needs to be expressed and flushed somehow or it just eats yourself alive.

I think that I am probably best known outside of my safe little circle as someone who speaks truth OR spreads love and peace. At least I hope so because that’s primarily what I do publicly these past few years. That’s why I became so “popular” on my social media. That’s the message I put out on the social media platforms. The truth is now I’ve slowed that way down because it is painfully obvious to me that my message on those platforms mostly just brings out the takers who become aware that I am a great giver. Inevitably, they turn into people who use me up and then I resent them. And I certainly don’t need to grow any more resentment. And I’m done being used and abused. Back off. It’s the persons who used me and my children (and their own children!) that I hate. They don’t even have the decency to try to make amends. That’s how they became 💯 trash. Karma is going to be a bitch for them. It takes twice as long to build bridges you burn.

When I was in law school in New York I had a study group friend named Andy Crouppen who had a list posted up on his refrigerator titled “People Who Are Fucked”. I thought it was hysterical then and I’ve thought about it often when I think about Andy. Now I just think it’s brillyent so I’m taking my cue from him. Today I am starting to purge my hate Andy Crouppon-style. I may even print it out and put it on my refrigerator.

So here it goes in no particular order and I will keep adding to this list as needed. Feel free to comment. Maybe I’ll be able to process your hate, too. Maybe I’ll give you that. I won’t make you any promises.

In solidarity and peace always. Please try to remember that the moral arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice. MLK Jr said that. Amen to that.🙏🏽✌🏼⚕️🇾🇹

I HATE:

  1. 154.
  2. Super G.
  3. Emilie.
  4. Carley, Daryl, Steve, Paul, Vance, Jennifer, Amy, Patricia, Lucinda Hundley, Katy, Paul, Candie, Jenny, and Lisa E.🙏🏽
  5. When people hurt animals with no good reason.
  6. That communication has to be so complicated.
  7. The Denver Broncos.
  8. Crooks and cons. Liars.
  9. That so many kids have to be sent out of our state to get a decent quality education or rehab. And that most kids don’t actually have that privilege and become desperate.
  10. That my son is dead and there aren’t more people who are furious about this injustice and that I feel so alone digging us out of this rut we got forced into by our public school system.
  11. That my brother and my parents and all of my kids don’t live close to me.
  12. That people relatives are the same as family. They can be, but they are not always one and the same
  13. That I know so many people who know better and still won’t invest themselves to actually do better.
  14. That people are so insensitive.
  15. That adults expect kids to control their use of their technology without being able to control it ourselves. Stop expecting kids to be your technology teachers or to be at your beck and call by phone + not to be on their phone. Talk about STUPID. Oy.
  16. Relatives who intentionally split up families by inviting only some members of a household and not others to family events like Thanksgiving. Every year. What is wrong with people?
  17. Parents who abuse their children. People who disrespect children. People who shame children. People who blame children.
  18. People who blame Disabled people for being Disabled. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think people choose to be Disabled? Learn about ableism. Maybe you can start here. https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/
  19. People who don’t even try to protect their children.
  20. People who abuse animals.
  21. Teachers who neglect their students.
  22. People who work for agencies that profit off of the blood, sweat and tears of people with disabilities.
  23. People who knowingly spread lies.
  24. People who use other people for their own gain, especially when they use their own friends or children.
  25. People who put their own shame on other people, especially their children.
  26. People who are so full of themselves that they can’t apologize to people they have hurt.
  27. Bosses who discriminate against people. Cowards.
  28. People who think that children are political pawns or simply a means to build a business for profit. You disgust me.
  29. People who uphold systems of oppression.
  30. People who are two faced and exclusive. I think those people are the losers.
  31. Medical professionals who uphold the inhumane standards dictated by their industry to the obvious detriment of people’s lives. I don’t even know how these people can live with themselves and they certainly should choose a different industry.
  32. People who make fun of other peoples preferences, tastes, religions, identities, etc.
  33. People who make false promises and create false hope.
  34. SPAM calls.
  35. Homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, xenophobia, etc……
  36. Shame and blame.
  37. Assumptions. It makes an ass out of you and me. Learn that.
  38. Restrictive traditions and values that are now meaningless.
  39. Criminals who don’t confess.
  40. Unsolicited advice.
  41. When people tell me to take out my earbuds or stop reading.
  42. When people obviously feel sorry for me. I despise your pity. It’s the truth.
  43. Feeling helpless, hopeful, powerless, and alone.
  44. Hate.
  45. People who perpetuate the myths that sign language stunts language development or that Cued Speech is threatening or harmful to anyone. It’s absolute bullshit.
  46. Non profits that started for good and end up perpetuating the very problems that they said they wanted to resolve. Shameful.
  47. The obvious truth that most people don’t actually respect or care enough about children to focus on them. It’s destroying our present and future. Advice. Practice visualizing children as trees. Then hug them.
  48. That I had to send my own children away to protect them.
  49. Jared Polis for being in a position of power and influence over my whole state and he is giving advice that is only useful for affluent families like his own while most Colorado kids are being forced to endure hardships in schools that are inhumane.
  50. The idea that ruthlessness is being perpetuated as a admirable quality. And that it is associated with Ruth Bader Ginsburg who was not ruthless at all. She was ruthful and relentless. Get your words right, people. Focus!
  51. Violence.
  52. The persistent and unrelenting stigma associated with mental illness. WTF?!!
  53. Injustice.
  54. Myself. Sometimes.
  55. My inadequacies as a mother. Ugh!
  56. That I have to share this to get it out of my system.
  57. Greed and financial insecurity.
  58. Hostile environments of any kind.
  59. Feeling like a nag.
  60. Complaining.
  61. Traffic jams.
  62. Mean people.
  63. Having blood drawn.
  64. Being sick.
  65. Crying.
  66. Loud noises.
  67. Crowded places.
  68. Public speaking.
  69. The sound of my own voice. Sometimes.
  70. Snobs.
  71. Cigarette smoke.
  72. Fighting.
  73. Being excluded.
  74. When people think they’re right. All the time.
  75. Being a warrior.
  76. Children being victimized.
  77. That there is such a huge gap for children in access justice for their rights to public schooling. I wish I could fix this, but I can’t.
  78. That I really don’t know where all the good people go. I’m trying like hell to find the yellow brick road.👠
  79. When people encourage children to drink alcohol or use illegal drugs. I’m here to tell you it’s not cool and it’s not okay. Grow up.
  80. The fact that “special ed” attorneys in Colorado are charging families $750 an hour and maybe 1% of families can afford that.
  81. The fact that there
  82. Talking while wearing a mask.
  83. Telephone hold music.
  84. Parking lots.
  85. Banking.
  86. Liver and onions.
  87. My phone.
  88. Dropping my phone.
  89. Being dragged onto a dance floor against my will.
  90. Hurting other people.
  91. Talking on the phone most of the time.
  92. School trauma.
  93. That I will never be able to spend time with Cole again. I miss everything about him. OzShalom
  94. Crowds and large events.
  95. Crying.
  96. Yelling.
  97. Having to always be so strong.
  98. The expectation that kids need to go straight to complete independence at 18. I couldn’t have done that!
  99. When people pressure sick people to get to work.
  100. But people expect me to grieve differently.
  101. When people try to shame me for eating Chick-fil-A. 🏳️‍🌈
  102. When people shame others for having addictions.
  103. Dealing with health insurance companies and their stupid red tape.
  104. Nagging.
  105. When I feel too tired to take a shower or shave my legs.
  106. Worrying.
  107. Football.
  108. When I can’t remember the dream I just had.
  109. That kids are generally no longer encouraged to read for pure enjoyment.
  110. Steve. Lisa. Daryl. Paul. Carley. Jennifer. Vance. Laurie. Patti. Candace.
  111. Boring classes.
  112. Paperwork. Does it ever end?
  113. When our dog drags her butt on our floors.
  114. When our animals throw up on our carpet.
  115. When people I love just disappear without an explanation.
  116. How people actually think that they get to determine someone else’s value. That’s all bullshit.
  117. That “partying” seems synonymous with getting drunk or high. Why did that have to happen?
  118. That sometimes I can’t stop myself from thinking in codes.
  119. That half of my motherhood seems like it was wasted fighting for my kids.
  120. That some people assume that I choose to fight. I never choose to fight if there’s an alternative. Seriously. What kind of a mother do you think chooses to fight a whole school system just because she can?!! It’s the law to educate your kid and our schools aren’t doing that at all.
  121. Michele. Igor. Lisa. Jennifer. Daryl. Carley. Steve.
  122. Being a lawyer. Did I say that already?
  123. Dishonest people.
  124. Bad directions.
  125. Betrayal.
  126. Paul. Charlie. Jared.
  127. Having fibromyalgia. It hurts a lot.
  128. Halloween candy.
  129. Mean muggles.
  130. That there are so many adults who weren’t raised properly.

To all of the people who fall into the numbered categories above I say fuck you and shame on you and may god have mercy on your souls. Stay away from me and stay away from my kids. I don’t want to know you anymore unless you are actually going to apologize + correct your behavior.

I know I’ll be back soon to keep building this hateful list because I know that I have to do it or I might actually die sooner rather than later. I’ve learned that the hard way now. Too many times. I think some people know it as burning in hell. I experience it as medical conditions called chronic fatigue syndrome, insomnia, fibromyalgia, anxiety, depression, and misophonia. These are some of the unwelcome gifts I’ve received as a neurodivergent and highly gifted human being with a tendency toward being too ruthful (that means filled with compassion).

I’m going to sign off with a Mike Tyson quote that I’ve been stuck on for a few weeks now. “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.” Think about that for a moment.

Fuctuating, (https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fuctuate)

Lisa A. Weiss-Rudofsky
93 Million Miles from the Sun

P.S. My heart is pounding as I write this. Just like it did when I wrote my metoo story years ago. That’s how I know it’s the right thing for me to do. I hope it helps.✌🏽

Published by stuckinmybra

First and foremost, I am a mother, but I am also an educator and an activist. I've been told by my closest friends that I am a fighter, but I actually despise that part of my identity because I really don't enjoy fighting. I write about whatever is on my mind, which feels like a big mess sometimes. I mostly think about my kids and the people they are and how to help them become who they want to be in this world. I love them more than anything in this world. Sometimes I write about giftedness, autism, trauma, schools, mental health and chronic illness because those are all things that affect me. I write about my own life and the people in it and I try not to hurt people's feelings in the writing process. I hope what I write touches peoples hearts and opens people’s minds because I think people in our world need to have more understanding and compassion. I'm to tell it like it is.

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