Let Freedom Ring

Dear Reader,

Peace is the understanding that though we are each one different, we are all made of the same exquisite stuff. My kids taught me this. OzShalom 1:54

I’m listening to higher love. Today is Martin Luther King, Jr’s birthday. This day always resonates with me, so I’m celebrating it privately. By singing and dancing and writing. Privately.

I am thinking about housework and the people who do this kind of work. I was recently hired as a homemaker to help out someone who needs homemaking in my own family. And then I was very quickly let go, which is a longer story. It’s disappointing that I am not allowed to be the one who is employed as the homemaker, but I’m letting that go today. That’s not the point. That’s not what I’m thinking about. What I’m thinking about is equality and freedom and justice. Can I get an amen? 🙂

I have been happily homemaking for my family since I started a family in 2002. I am 100% happy to make a nice home for my family. I have never ever said or thought otherwise. Of that, I am certain. All I want is a happy home life. What I am not happy about is how little my personal value is is to our larger society. What I am not happy about is how my role as a homemaker is so belittled and demeaned as a non-job. It’s incredible how little progress has been made in my lifetime. For domestic workers. For women. For mothers. For wives. For me. ✌🏼

When my children were very young, I lived in luxurious homes. First in a beautiful brownstone in Brooklyn, New York and then in a historic turn of the century summer mansion in South Orange, New Jersey, and then eventually in Lone Tree, Colorado. My ex-husband and I hired seven domestic workers who were immigrants from Mexico, Tibet, and countries in South America + one young American from Long Island. 🙂 Their names were Mary, Dora, Laura, Iliana, Patricia, and Claudia. These women were all well educated and as brilliant and talented as I am (if not more so). They cleaned my house and cared for my children and they became my teachers and my friends. All of them.

I recall one day when I had hired a new domestic worker in New Jersey and I didn’t actually have any plans to do anything while they were working. This woman urged me to leave the house so that I could have some time away for myself. She seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being, at a time when no one else in my life really seemed to be. I left and went grocery shopping just to kill the time that day. I really had nothing that I wanted to do with my spare time. I was so used to taking care of my children and my home and having no independent life. The next time she came over I made a plan for myself. I had decided that I was going to read a book someplace outside of the house. It was what I wanted to do most, but I was too embarrassed to tell her what I had done when I came home, so I just made up some little white lie about shopping so that she wouldn’t ask me what I was doing. I spent 2 or 3 hours that day reading a novel from cover to cover. It was heaven. I felt guilty. ✌🏼

I can’t help but think about how common my experience really is. How underpaid and overworked those women were. How underpaid and overworked I have been. How I am okay despite my circumstances because I started out this family path as a very wealthy housewife; and how lucky I am to have started out from that fortunate position. Thank God.

That’s all. I’m going to go take a walk with my husband and our dogs now.

I’ll end with these lyrics that James Taylor wrote because I went to sleep with them playing in my head and I woke up with them playing in my head. I love this song. I hope the words will touch your heart and raise your vibration the way that they raise mine. I like to sing it to myself.

Oh, let us turn our thoughts today
To Martin Luther King
And recognize that there are ties between us
All men and women living on the Earth
Ties of hope and love
Sister and brotherhood

That we are bound together
In our desire to see the world
Become a place in which our children
Can grow free and strong

We are bound together by the task
That stands before us
And the road that lies ahead
We are bound, and we are bound

There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist
There is a hunger in the center of the chest
There is a passage through the darkness and the mist
And though the body sleeps
The heart will never rest

Shed a little light, oh Lord (shed a little light, oh Lord)
So that we can see, oh yeah
Just a little light, oh Lord. (just a little light, oh Lord)
Want to stand it on up
Stand it on up, oh Lord (stand it on up, Lord)
Want to walk it on down
Gonna shed a little light, oh Lord (shed a little light, oh Lord)

Can’t get no light from a dollar bill
(Don’t see me no light from a dollar bill)
Don’t give me no light from a TV screen, oh no, no
When I open my eyes, I want to drink my fill
From the well on the hill
I know you know what I mean

Shed a little light, oh Lord (shed a little light, oh Lord)
So that we can see, oh yeah
Just a little light, oh Lord (just a little light, oh Lord)
Want to stand it on up
Stand it on up, oh Lord (stand it on up, oh Lord)
Stand on up, Lord
Want to walk it on down
Gonna shed a little light, oh Lord (shed a little light, oh Lord)
Shed a little light, Lord

There’s a feeling like the clenching of a fist
There is a hunger in the center of the chest, oh yes
There is a passage through the darkness and the mist
And though the body sleeps
The heart will never rest

Oh, Let us turn our thoughts today
To Martin Luther King
And recognize that there are ties between us
All men and women living on the Earth
Ties of hope and love
Sister and brotherhood

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: James Taylor

Shed a Little Light lyrics © Country Road Music

“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice,” said Martin Luther King, Jr.

1m3s = peace ✌🏼 in cued speech.

6s5t5s = light 💡

1m3s + 6s5t5s



The River Y

Dear Reader,

Last night I had a dream. I only remember the very last part.

Everything is energy and that is all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality.
It can be no other way. This is not philosophy.
This is physics.
Albert Einstein

I was standing on a high bridge over a high river that was not completely unfamiliar to me. The river did not frighten me except that I was high above it and my circumstances were less than ideal, to say the least. I was pregnant and in labor and was talking on the phone with my mother who couldn’t hear me very well. I was trying to tell her that I needed to get off the phone because I was about to give birth when the baby dropped out of me and fell into the river. I dropped the phone and jumped into the river where the baby was floating. The baby looked exactly like all my babies looked to me when they were newborn in real life; beautiful and alert. I felt relieved that the baby was safe with me and I held it in the water and put kisses all over their little soft face and said, “You are very strong.”

I am cueing.
✌🏼REMEMBER THIS. YOU ARE VERY STRONG.✌🏼 + I am not voicing.
I hope you enjoy this 🎶



HOMEMAKER b. 1970🎶

January 10, 2022

Dear Reader,

Yesterday a new label hit me smack in the face so I’m going to own it. Here it is. Yesterday I became officially employed as a Homemaker. That’s right. For the first time ever I am being paid by the hour to do what I’ve been doing for free since 2002. It kind of blows my woman-mind if I’m being completely honest. I am now a bona fide homemaker because my new employer informed me that was my job title. Yesterday a home care service representative sat at my dining room table with a folder full of paperwork and hired me on to be a homemaker in my own home for 10 hours per week. I have a time sheet to submit in person on the 15th and 30th of every month and a fancy app on my phone so that I can punch in three days a week at two o’clock in the afternoon. One of my own children is going to have to sign my timesheets. I think that’s incredibly awkward, but it is what it is. I’m doing the job whether they sign my timesheet or not.

Here are the assigned tasks on my time sheet. I’m going to put a * next to the tasks that I’ve already performed this morning since I’m writing this first thing.

Dishwashing *

Dusting & Vacuuming

Sweeping & Mopping

Bed Making *

Trash Removing *

Laundry *


Meal Preparation *

I’m not clocking my Homemaker hours today though. Tuesday is not one of my paid days. I am only paid for three hours on Monday and Wednesday afternoons and four hours on Friday afternoons. Mind you, I am already a full time Homemaker, so I’m getting paid for only a fraction of the time I actually perform my job. The thing is that Colorado’s medicaid system will only authorize 10 hours of homemaking even though full time homemaking is needed. And get this, I’m making less than minimum wage. $16.50/hour is what I’m being paid to stay home and work. I’m checking into whether or not I can be bumped up so that I’m at least equal to the other lowest paid workers in Denver, Colorado where the minimum wage was just raised by 8.94%. So the other lowest paid workers in Denver are making 79 cents more than I am. This makes me feel sad and angry for homemakers and children on so many levels, but I’m choosing to focus on the happy because I am, in fact, a Happy Homemaker.

Do you want to know what makes me really happy? Taking care of my family. Plus I saw one of my kids walk out of the house wearing a shirt that said the word love on the front and on the back. And I saw my other kid wearing a shirt with a happy face on it. That is plenty payment for me.

It’s a rich man’s game. No matter what they call it.


Lisa Rudofsky-Taintlinson ❔❕

P.S. How do you pronounce eggs?

What It All Meant to a 13 year old named Cole Tucker

OZshalom is the name that Cole chose for his Hebrew name when he became a bar mitzvah. He gave it a tremendous amount of deep thinking, as was his way with everything. OzShalom means peaceful warrior in Hebrew.

Blessed are you, Adonai our God, Sovereign of all worlds, who girds me with courage.

Blessed are you, Adonai our God, sovereign of all worlds, who guide my steps.

These blessings speak to me, as I have experienced these things, and have chosen to walk down a path. I am a quiet person. I am not a ‘people’ person. It takes courage to be this way, as our society encourages people to be outgoing and I am not naturally that way. Our society does not seem to allow people to have time alone with the time to think. Our society does not seem allow breathing space. Because of this, people like me can seem odd or different, particularly at this age. We are known as outsiders because we are different in our society. We cling to each other for comfort. That is how we make friends. That is our social life. That is how we live.

But then sometimes we need the courage to leap into the unknown, to be a part of larger society. We stand together to fight the coming onslaught. I had a personal experience when I had to do this. Bravery is a big part of this too. Anyone can be brave. But it’s hard to be brave a just the right moment, when you NEED it. That’s why we have each other. One of us rises up, all of us follow.

When I was in the 5th grade I experienced a conflict with my friend Ryan. I was friends with another kid named Ethan. But Ryan and Ethan always had a bit of a rivalry. They would always get into fights and would fight about petty things. They would try to convince me to try and stay friends with only ONE of them. I would say no. The reasons I befriended these two was because I was the new kid at this school and I was always a lone wolf. An ‘outsider’. The kids at this school didn’t treat me like one, but I felt like one because I prefer to be alone. Being alone is… quiet. Ryan and Ethan were also lone wolves. The thing is, lone wolves like being close to people who’ve been through the same problems as them. 

I became friends with Ethan first. He was a troublemaker, and was actually really funny if you took the time to think about it, but the other kids didn’t seem to think so. They didn’t like him. Ethan and I were good friends. We trusted each other. Then, along came Ryan. He was kind of rash and mean to the other kids. He was nice though, to me. I mellowed him a bit. Not much, but enough to prevent him from yelling so much. He then became quiet, and stopped being so mean. It was us, the quiet one, the troublemaker, and the rash one.  But then, Ethan and Ryan changed, when they met each other. Ethan told me they didn’t like each other. They got into a lot more fights. I either got called over to stop the fight, or I went over there myself. Ryan told me that he hated me. That was the day I told myself, “I’m done with him”. I disconnected from him. 

Then one day, Ryan was getting harassed by our whole class AND two teachers, homeroom and music. It was because he forgot his recorder and was whining about it. After class, Ryan was at the back of the line, silently crying. Everyone was harassing him. I noticed that a few weren’t, like Ethan. But the sight of everyone against him, and no one defending him made my anger reach my limit. I snapped. I yelled at them like my lungs were not there and I could breathe forever. Everyone seemed shocked. Like I said, I was always the quiet one, and never really spoke much. Then, something SERIOUSLY weird happened. They all CONGRATULATED ME. Then the homeroom teacher took us to our room, and we had a class meeting about what happened. This was near the end of school. When school ended, I successfully was still friends with Ethan, even greater than before. But then I saw Ryan. He smiled at me, like I had redeemed myself in his eyes. Then he walked away, still smiling. And right then I knew, we were still friends. He accepted that I was still friends with Ethan. And that there, is a good ending.

So I can relate to the story where Jacob finds that his brother is sending 400 men to attack the village. He helped his family and his flock get away in time. Then he stayed behind. He wrestled what was apparently one of the soldiers. Through a whole day, he did not break him. Then the soldier said basically, “ You have struggled long and hard. That is enough struggling”. What this represents is someone fighting for a certain goal, and then recieving it. My story with Ethan and Ryan describes bravery, common sense, and loneliness. That is my definition of a lone wolf. You have to be brave enough to stand alone, but wise enough to stand together. 

Jacob was fighting for a worthy cause. And I was too. What my interpretation of the meaning of life is, is that there is no particular path of life. We made those paths over time, with our footprints etched in the soil. The roads were always completed. What I understand is that there is always a goal to work toward, as long as you believe it is worthy. 

By the time I was 13, I understood this. I think that becoming a bar mitzvah, is the act of understanding, and then pursuing those goals, to do something great in the world.

My Bar Mitzvah

by Cole Tucker

You endow the human being with the power to know. You teach a person understanding. May You provide me now with intelligence, understanding and wisdom. Blessed are You, Life Unfolding, who graces me with knowing.

This blessing makes me think about all of the people who I am grateful to. I am grateful to my parents, for giving me a sense of right and wrong. I am grateful to my teachers (both past and present) for giving me skills in math and common sense (but mostly math). I am grateful to my friends for lightening the load on my shoulders, and making me happy. And I am grateful to my siblings, for teaching me how you have to take the good with the bad sometimes and that your family is always there for you. 

Thank you for being here with me to celebrate this truly special day.


Dear Reader,

Please try to remember that what you’re reading is about me, not about you (unless you see your name here). I’m all filled up with anger and I really have got to find a different container for it because my body is unable to handle it any longer. Don’t read it if you don’t want to know what’s eating me up from the inside. Thank you, kindly and go FUCTUATE.🖕🏼✌🏼

I woke up in the middle of the night with an alarming question ringing in my head. It felt to me exactly like a fire alarm going off and I needed to grab my stuff and run out of the house. It kept me awake almost all night so I’m really operating on only a few hours sleep, but I feel okay so far. Just edgy. I put on some Jack Johnson looking for Good People ASAP, which always helps, but I’m sure I’ll crash at some point. I’ll have to remember to count my spoons (https://health.clevelandclinic.org/spoon-theory-chronic-illness/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CThe%20spoon%20theory%20is%20a,spoons%20in%20their%20daily%20activity.%E2%80%9D) right after I write this and eat my challah french toast with bonne maman raspberry preserves that I just made myself for breakfast. Thank you, French angels and fresh berries.🎶

This morning I’ve decided that it is truly in my own best interest to exorcise this demon that woke me up and then got stuck in my heart and is now stuck in my bra. Smirk. As you can see by the screen shot of my text communication with my darling husband this morning that I included above, I am up and dressed. Karen style. That’s a fresh selfie I took to prove to myself that I can pull myself together even though from approximately 2 a.m. until I got myself out of bed at 6:30 a.m. there were times when my heart was pounding so hard you would think that someone was standing at the foot of my bed with a hammer ready to slaughter me. Horror story style. Waking up like that is hard to handle. I can finally relate to the more desperate people I’ve know so well. those are the people I will name in this list. Not all of them, but some. Desperation can lead to all sorts of shenanigans. That’s the truth.

The thoughts that woke me up made me furious and the truth is it’s probably in no one’s best interest that I direct my anger at the people who I was thinking about. To be honest expressing hate is fairly unusual for me. In fact, I avoid it. Over the last few years I do that by intentionally correcting myself when I use the word hate and then turn it into an opposite love statement to balance that shit out. I intentionally developed this habit so suffice it to say I have a strong tendency to stuff negative thoughts inside and then stew in it like the good American girl I was raised to be. Non confrontational. Conflict avoidant. Try not to make a scene. Keep your mouth shut. Grin and bear it no matter how bad it really is. What a load of crap. Hate needs to be expressed and flushed somehow or it just eats yourself alive.

I think that I am probably best known outside of my safe little circle as someone who speaks truth OR spreads love and peace. At least I hope so because that’s primarily what I do publicly these past few years. That’s why I became so “popular” on my social media. That’s the message I put out on the social media platforms. The truth is now I’ve slowed that way down because it is painfully obvious to me that my message on those platforms mostly just brings out the takers who become aware that I am a great giver. Inevitably, they turn into people who use me up and then I resent them. And I certainly don’t need to grow any more resentment. And I’m done being used and abused. Back off. It’s the persons who used me and my children (and their own children!) that I hate. They don’t even have the decency to try to make amends. That’s how they became 💯 trash. Karma is going to be a bitch for them. It takes twice as long to build the bridges you burn.

When I was in law school in New York I had a study group friend named Andy Crouppen who had a list posted up on his refrigerator titled “People Who Are Fucked”. I thought it was hysterical then and I’ve thought about it often when I think about Andy. Now I just think it’s brillyent so I’m taking my cue from him. Today I am starting to purge my hate Andy Crouppon-style. I may even print it out and put it on my refrigerator.

So here it goes in no particular order and I will keep adding to this list as needed. Feel free to comment. Maybe I’ll be able to process your hate, too. Maybe I’ll give you that. I won’t make you any promises.

In solidarity and peace always. Please try to remember that the moral arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice. MLK Jr said that. Amen to that.🙏🏽✌🏼⚕️🇾🇹


  1. Fakes and frauds.
  2. Infidelity.
  3. Insecurity.
  4. Misophonia.
  5. Audism.
  6. Ableism.
  7. Hate.
  8. Filing health insurance claims.
  9. 154.
  10. Holding onto resentments.
  11. Bad habits that are really hard to break..
  12. When people hurt animals with no good reason.
  13. That communication has to be so complicated.
  14. Crooks and cons. Liars.
  15. That so many kids have to be sent out of our state to get a decent quality education or rehab. And that most kids don’t actually have that privilege and become desperate.
  16. That my son is dead and there aren’t more people who are furious about this injustice and that I feel so alone digging us out of this rut we got forced into by our public school system.
  17. That my brother and my parents and all of my kids don’t live close to me.
  18. That people are confused that relatives are the same as family. They can be, but they are not always one and the same
  19. That I know so many people who know better and still won’t invest do better.
  20. That people are so insensitive.
  21. That adults expect kids to control their use of their technology without being able to control it ourselves. Stop expecting kids to be your technology teachers or to be at your beck and call by phone + not to be on their phone. Talk about STUPID. Oy.
  22. Relatives who intentionally split up families by inviting only some members of a household and not others to family events like Thanksgiving. Every year. What is wrong with people?
  23. Parents who abuse their children. People who disrespect children. People who shame children. People who blame children.
  24. People who blame Disabled people for being Disabled. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think people choose to be Disabled? Learn about ableism. Maybe you can start here. https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/
  25. People who don’t even try to protect their children.
  26. People who abuse animals.
  27. Teachers who neglect their students.
  28. People who work for agencies that profit off of the blood, sweat and tears of people with disabilities.
  29. People who knowingly spread lies.
  30. People who use other people for their own gain, especially when they use their own friends or children.
  31. People who put their own shame on other people, especially their children.
  32. People who are so full of themselves that they can’t apologize to people they have hurt.
  33. Bosses who discriminate and retaliate against people. Cowards.
  34. People who think that children are political pawns or simply a means to build a business for profit. You disgust me.
  35. People who uphold systems of oppression.
  36. People who are two faced and exclusive. I think those people are the losers.
  37. Medical professionals who uphold the inhumane standards dictated by their industry to the obvious detriment of people’s lives. I don’t even know how these people can live with themselves and they certainly should choose a different industry.
  38. People who make fun of other peoples preferences, tastes, religions, identities, etc.
  39. People who make false promises and create false hope.
  40. SPAM calls.
  41. Homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, xenophobia, etc……
  42. Shame and blame.
  43. Assumptions. It makes an ass out of you and me. Learn that.
  44. Restrictive traditions and values that are now meaningless.
  45. Criminals who don’t confess.
  46. Unsolicited advice.
  47. When people tell me to take out my earbuds or stop reading.
  48. When people obviously feel sorry for me. I despise your pity. It’s the truth.
  49. Feeling helpless, hopeful, powerless, and alone.
  50. Hate.
  51. People who perpetuate the myths that sign language stunts language development or that Cued Speech is threatening or harmful to anyone. It’s absolute bullshit.
  52. Non profits that started for good and end up perpetuating the very problems that they said they wanted to resolve. Shameful.
  53. The obvious truth that most people don’t actually respect or care enough about children to focus on them. It’s destroying our present and future. Advice. Practice visualizing children as trees. Then hug them.
  54. That I had to send my own children away to protect them.
  55. Jared Polis for being in a position of power and influence over my whole state and he is giving advice that is only useful for affluent families like his own while most Colorado kids are being forced to endure hardships in schools that are inhumane.
  56. The idea that ruthlessness is being perpetuated as a admirable quality. And that it is associated with Ruth Bader Ginsburg who was not ruthless at all. She was ruthful and relentless. Get your words right, people. Focus!
  57. Violence.
  58. The persistent and unrelenting stigma associated with mental illness. WTF?!!
  59. Injustice.
  60. Myself. Sometimes.
  61. My inadequacies as a mother. Ugh!
  62. That I have to share this to get it out of my system.
  63. Greed and financial insecurity.
  64. Hostile environments of any kind.
  65. Feeling like a nag.
  66. Complaining.
  67. Traffic jams.
  68. Mean people.
  69. Having blood drawn.
  70. Being sick.
  71. Crying.
  72. Loud noises.
  73. Crowded places.
  74. Public speaking.
  75. The sound of my own voice. Sometimes.
  76. Snobs.
  77. Cigarette smoke.
  78. Fighting.
  79. Being excluded.
  80. When people think they’re right. All the time.
  81. Being a warrior.
  82. Children being victimized.
  83. That there is such a huge gap for children in access justice for their rights to public schooling. I wish I could fix this, but I can’t.
  84. That I really don’t know where all the good people go. I’m trying like hell to find the yellow brick road.👠
  85. When people encourage children to drink alcohol or use illegal drugs. I’m here to tell you it’s not cool and it’s not okay. Grow up.
  86. The fact that “special ed” attorneys in Colorado are charging families $750 an hour and maybe 1% of families can afford that.
  87. The fact that there
  88. Talking while wearing a mask.
  89. Telephone hold music.
  90. Parking lots.
  91. Banking.
  92. Liver and onions.
  93. My phone.
  94. Dropping my phone.
  95. Being dragged onto a dance floor against my will.
  96. Hurting other people.
  97. Talking on the phone most of the time.
  98. School trauma.
  99. That I will never be able to spend time with Cole again. I miss everything about him. OzShalom
  100. Crowds and large events.
  101. Crying.
  102. Yelling.
  103. Having to always be so strong.
  104. The expectation that kids need to go straight to complete independence at 18. I couldn’t have done that!
  105. When people pressure sick people to get to work.
  106. But people expect me to grieve differently.
  107. When people try to shame me for eating Chick-fil-A. 🏳️‍🌈
  108. When people shame others for having addictions.
  109. Dealing with health insurance companies and their stupid red tape.
  110. Nagging.
  111. When I feel too tired to take a shower or shave my legs.
  112. Worrying.
  113. Football.
  114. When I can’t remember the dream I just had.
  115. That kids are generally no longer encouraged to read for pure enjoyment.
  116. Steve. Lisa. Daryl. Paul. Carley. Jennifer. Vance. Laurie. Patti. Candace.
  117. Boring classes.
  118. Paperwork. Does it ever end?
  119. When our dog drags her butt on our floors.
  120. When our animals throw up on our carpet.
  121. When people I love just disappear without an explanation.
  122. How people actually think that they get to determine someone else’s value. That’s all bullshit.
  123. That “partying” seems synonymous with getting drunk or high. Why did that have to happen?
  124. That sometimes I can’t stop myself from thinking in codes.
  125. That half of my motherhood seems like it was wasted fighting for my kids.
  126. That some people assume that I choose to fight. I never choose to fight if there’s an alternative. Seriously. What kind of a mother do you think chooses to fight a whole school system just because she can?!! It’s the law to educate your kid and our schools aren’t doing that at all.
  127. Michele. Igor. Lisa. Jennifer. Daryl. Carley. Steve.
  128. Being a lawyer. Did I say that already?
  129. Dishonest people.
  130. Bad directions.
  131. Betrayal.
  132. Paul. Charlie. Jared.
  133. Having fibromyalgia. It hurts a lot.
  134. Halloween candy.
  135. Mean muggles.
  136. That there are so many adults who weren’t raised properly.

To all of the people who fall into the numbered categories above I say fuck you and shame on you and may god have mercy on your souls. Stay away from me and stay away from my kids. I don’t want to know you anymore unless you are actually going to apologize + correct your behavior.

I know I’ll be back soon to keep building this hateful list because I know that I have to do it or I might actually die sooner rather than later. I’ve learned that the hard way now. Too many times. I think some people know it as burning in hell. I experience it as medical conditions called chronic fatigue syndrome, insomnia, fibromyalgia, anxiety, depression, and misophonia. These are some of the unwelcome gifts I’ve received as a neurodivergent and highly gifted human being with a tendency toward being too ruthful (that means filled with compassion).

I’m going to sign off with a Mike Tyson quote that I’ve been stuck on for a few weeks now. “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.” Think about that for a moment.

Fuctuating, (https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fuctuate)

Lisa A. Weiss-Rudofsky
93 Million Miles from the Sun

P.S. My heart is pounding as I write this. Just like it did when I wrote my metoo story years ago. That’s how I know it’s the right thing for me to do. I hope it helps.✌🏽

My Sleep Disorder + PTSD + Righteous Rage = Depression/Fatigue/Fibromyalgia

Despite the reappearance of my lifelong sleep disorder over the last year and the shock to my heart last April (https://feldmanmortuary.com/tribute/details/4452/Cole-Tucker/obituary.html), I still have never had much trouble getting myself out of bed in the morning. I love life and I always have. I truly have not experienced much depression in the traditional sense until now. I’ve been questioned in my past about depression due to my diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome, but I really could not relate. I just couldn’t. But lately I am starting not to feel like myself. My sleep is a crapshoot and I want to stay in bed as long as possible. I have a pure hate relationship with alarm clocks right now. I’m operating with a sleep deprived body. In the last week I have been advocating for myself to receive EMDR treatment and I now know that I am currently Depressed.

So anyway, I need trauma treatment and I want to try EMDR. Here is a good link about EMDR for you if you don’t already know about this health treatment. https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/ Trauma is actually my nemesis. Not my alarm clock. I had two EMDR screenings this past week and a conversation with my psychologist and I feel pretty certain that Depression is at least one of the diagnoses caused by my trauma.

I can tell that I am depressed because I am experiencing 9 out of the 12 signs right now. I have never screened like this before, despite the statistics working against me as an Autistic. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/autism-spectrum-disorders

Depressed mood: Feeling sad or anxious.✅

Loss of interest in activities: Taking less pleasure in hobbies, sex, and other interests that the individual usually enjoys.✅

Social withdrawal: Avoiding social situations and losing touch with friends.

Fatigue: Daily tasks, such as washing up and getting dressed, may feel more difficult and take longer.✅

Feeling agitated: Agitation, including restlessness and pacing.✅

Changes in sleep patterns: Insomnia or excessive sleeping.✅

Changes in appetite: This can lead to weight gain or loss.✅

Increased irritability: Getting annoyed more easily than usual.✅

Feelings of worthlessness and guilt: Thinking over past events.✅

Concentration and memory problems: Thoughts and speech may feel slower.

Physical aches and pains: Unexplained headaches, stomach aches, or muscle pain.✅

Suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts: This may signal a severe depressive episode.

I’ve written before about the different faces of depression. I don’t commonly succumb to the big D, but sometimes I do and I have a feeling there are very few people in the world who haven’t become depressed at some time or another. And that’s okay. There is nothing to be ashamed about and blame does no one any good. There is also no reason to ask me why I’m depressed. I am getting myself some help so it won’t take me all the way down. That’s my advice to myself.

That’s what I got for you today. Depression and EMDR for trauma + I’m at the vet with my stressed out dog, Daisy.

Daisy is heavily sedated today

I’ll keep you posted.


Feelings + Seasons of Life❄️

Photo of Cole Jackson Tucker at home.

Written by Cole T.

Autumn looks like mud, tastes like clean air, smells like dead plants, sounds like snapping branches, feels like paper, makes me feel uncomfortable.

Humor looks like insanity, tastes like acceptance, smells like B.O., sounds like laughter, feels like a lack of breath, makes me feel indomitable.

Fear looks like the devil, tastes like spit, smells like vomit, sounds like war drums, feels like a cold blizzard, makes me feel a love of life.

Winter looks like light, tastes like water, smells like a cool breeze, sounds like silence, feels like extreme air conditioning, makes me feel content.

Tik Tok is a blast ⚡️♾🎶🤟🏼

5s8m5m5sd3s (furious) 👿

2s8m5m5sd3s (curious)🤨

Since my son Cole’s death in April I have been doing a few things differently. One of those things is trying to have a lot more fun. Fun is something that’s been missing from my life for quite a long time now and that’s mostly because I became consumed by responsibilities. Unspeakable responsibilities that no one should have to deal with, but I don’t really want to write about that right now. The point is that I need more fun. I know a few kids who have been on Tik Tok (TT) and they laugh their asses off. I also know that some kids have been bullied pretty hard on TT. Seems to me that’s a pretty rough playground for some of the kids. Anyway, last winter one of my LinkedIn friends who is my age pretty much dared me to try my TT game. And being a daredevil, I knew that I would eventually do it. Now I can’t remember exactly when I starting on TT, but that’s beside the point. Over the summer (at about the same time I started teaching preschoolers again) I started posting on TT. A lot. And it was mostly just a lot of fun. Unfortunately, it was also causing a lot of stress for some of the people who saw my posts. Here’s the thing. I was having the kind of fun that I often have at home, mostly at my family’s expense. That is, I turn my voice off and I say and cue things silently to them. (I also sometimes spontaneously speak in pig latin and write cued speech code all over the house.) And sometimes someone in my family will play with me. And oftentimes they just ignore me. It just depends on how busy they are + how much they want or need to understand what I’m saying. Anyway, this is the version of myself that I played on TT for a few months and it was fun + I was actually starting to make some new friends. It was a good time for me just being myself. But the thing is I was also starting to make some new enemies. You see, most people have never actually seen someone like me out in the big wild world. Someone who is mute and uses Cued Speech or ASL to silently convey ideas. But I’ve been doing exactly that for most of my motherhood, so it’s just my second nature. It’s my mother nature. And it’s my mother nature that triggered some people on TT. Roughly one thousand people if I’m counting. And I was counting how many people I triggered. Because it became very obvious to me as I fielded the sometimes furious comments to post captions and stop cueing or pretending to sign. Sometimes it turned into arguments as I explained what I was doing and sometimes posted to defend my cueing and my muteness so that I could keep on playing myself on TT. Most of the time, other people were jumping in to my defense. Some of the time people were not furious at all, instead they were curious and making specific requests for me to cue phrases. That was the best! People were learning from my TT! Now I am off TT completely. It was brought to my attention that I am just not welcome on TT right now. And that’s not because I am mute or because I am cueing or signing. It’s simply because I am too old. My first clue early on that I was too old should have been the number of people who called me “Karen”. What a ridiculous insult. That’s all I can say about that. Go ahead. Call me Karen. I really don’t mind at all. For all the real Karens out there. I’m sorry “they” have tried to weaponize your name. I think it’s a perfectly good name. But my name is actually Lisa. It’s Dick Rudofski if you’re nasty. And I am definitely a player and I already know I’m cool. So there.

Final thoughts. I’m almost always curious. And I’m working out the furious. TT was helping. Now I’m seeking out other creative outlets that are just as much fun as TT since I’m now banned. I’m getting there. One day at a time. The truth is it’s never too late.

Are you curious or furious? I guess that’s my final question today.

Cued Speech makes sounds that may be impossible to hear accessible on the hands + face. 6m6s1s1m3s is the Cued Speech code for the English word WORLDPEACE.

At your service,

Lisa DoubleYou RudeDog ©

Cole. A Classic Gifted Student.

This is a happy snapshot I took of my son, Cole,
in the midst of grappling with a serious emotional disability caused by school trauma.

This is a writing in progress subject to additions, edits, and updates. I welcome comments.

School refusal is a term used to describe the signs of anxiety a school-aged child has and their refusal to attend school. Let’s cut to the chase. Children who refuse to go to school are unable to attend. They are protecting themselves from a hostile environment. The term school refusal is designed to direct the blame and the shame at the children and on the parents. It assumes ability. It is an ableist term, in Cole’s opinion and in my own. It is also called school avoidance or school phobia. School refusal can be seen in different types of situations, including a complete drop out of the traditional school system (i.e. homeschool, unschool, no school). To put it bluntly, kids are scared of school because it is not safe or good for their overall well-being. It’s the opposite. In the workforce world it would be akin to a hostile work environment and we would be able to file civil rights claims and sue our employer in court for this adverse action. But children don’t have the same rights as adults. That’s a problem.

This hostile school environment issue should be obvious to anyone who has school age children. If it’s not, please wake up now. And spend your lifetime fighting for children to be safe out in your world. And in my world.

The truth is that most children are highly mentally aware of the world that is all around them. Many are sick or in the process of becoming sick. Others may not be sick, but they are not well because their fundamental rights are being violated across the board. And then they are blamed for not being able to hang in there OR hanging in there and fighting with their oppressors. Then they go to jail, and on and on. It’s called a school to prison pipeline and it isn’t just THOSE people’s children. They’re your children. They’re mine. They’re all of our children. That’s the truth. That’s reality.

In my school expert opinion, it has reached epidemic levels. We can all see the crisis, but few are calling it what it really is. I think of it as an informal, unorganized, unrecognized, children’s school strike and it is high time that the adults in our world take responsibility for our school system failing to work for our children so that they can keep their executives and lawyers employed. It is high time that we stand up for our children. In Colorado where I live and have been a policy expert at our State Education Agency I know that the actual impact of school trauma is not only leaving our children inadequately educated, we are experiencing an alarming volume of children who SHOULD BE identified in the special education process with serious emotional disability (SED), but instead we are a beautiful, sunny and visibly family friendly state filled with fires and uncontrollable violence (including gun violence), homelessness, substance use, and ultimately premature death. To me it looks and feels like a genocide.

At the heart of the matter is the fact that our children are being shamed and blamed (pushed) into dropping out of school. The children themselves are being wronged for their perceived failure to fit into or be able to tolerate a system that is not serving their needs. And their parents are also being blamed and shamed. We all need to wake up. The failure is not the children. The failure is the adults. Specifically, the failure is the adults running the schools. In Cole’s case, it’s a team of administrators led by a lawyer who oppressed him while a bunch of well meaning teacher stood by and let it happen to him.

Shame on us all.

For myself and for my own children, we understand that it isn’t just us (even though it feels like it is). This is a straightforward systemic children’s rights issue. Something must be done to turn this train all the way around. Our own individual advocacy for our children is inadequate. Children’s advocacy is being completely disregarded. Kids are being beat down. We are all getting a beat down. And the truth of the matter is that in our state it is common practice for our school district lawyers to settle special education violation cases for lump sums of money (if your family is privileged enough to be able to retain counsel). This is perpetuating a system of human rights violations.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Back to mourning my beautiful, brilliant, and wise child’s tragic death.

If you’d like to see more about my own children’s perspective on school trauma, please click this link to their Rocky Mountain PBS suicide stories from November 2020. https://www.rmpbs.org/blogs/lifelines/cole-and-mackenzies-story/

Here is an article about the school refusal epidemic/Children’s uprising from New York https://ny.chalkbeat.org/2022/5/17/23099461/school-refusal-nyc-schools-students-anxiety-depression-chronic-absenteeism

Be carefull. Be ruthfull. And be peacefull.



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